TO THE LADIES GAGA OF MY LIFE

(Dress and bag in the illustration: Dolce & Gabbana FW15)

Todos conocemos a una Lady Gaga en nuestras vidas. Ya saben, la típica persona que ama la atención y es capaz de lo que sea con tal de obtenerla, aún si eso implica sacrificar su reputación. ¿Recuerdan a ese adorable ser en el salón de clases que interrumpía al profesor a cada momento para decir cosas como “Europa es un país” o “2+2 es 5”? A pesar de estar consciente de lo absurdo que era su punto, la Lady Gaga se sentía realizada cuando la clase entera rompía en carcajadas y exclamaba “Jajaja, ¡qué imbécil!”./ Everybody has a Lady Gaga in their life. You know, the typical person who loves attention and is capable of anything as long as they get it, even if that means jeopardizing their reputation. Remember that adorable human being in the classroom that would always interrupt the professor to blurt out things like “Europe is a country” or “2 + 2 equals 5”? Though they were conscious of the absurdity of their point, the Lady Gaga would feel accomplished when the entire class bursted into laughter and said “LOL, what an idiot!”.

La Lady Gaga de tu vida subirá tres selfies diarias, documentará cada pedazo de alimento que esté a punto de engullir (desde una hamburguesa vegana, gluten-free hasta un chicle PAL) y te mantendrá informado de toda novedad en su vida, por ínfima que sea (¡Bajó 100 gramos! ¡Compró papel de baño en Walmart! ¡Aleluya, ya puedo dormir en paz otra vez!). Y ni hablar de la moda. La Lady Gaga de tu vida se enrollará en cinta adhesiva aislante y se colgará un burro de planchar como collar si Donatella y Tisci se lo dicen. Y si tienes la osadía de comentar algo sobre su atuendo, ella clamará con la mano en la Biblia (o sea, Vogue) que todo lo hace en nombre del arte y te llamará inculto/a y anticuado/a./ The Lady Gaga of your life will share three selfies per day, she or he will document every tiny bit of food that they’re about to devour (whether it is a vegan, gluten-free burger or a red M&M) and will keep you updated on every new detail of their life, no matter how insignificant (They lost a pound! They went toilet paper shopping at Walmart! Hallelujah, now I can go back to sleep!). And don’t even get me started with fashion. The Lady Gaga of your life will wrap themselves up in duct tape and wear an ironing board as a necklace if Donatella and Tisci tell them. And if you have he courage to comment something negative on their outfit, they will claim, with their hand on the Bible (that is, Vogue, for sure) that everything they do is in the name of art and will proceed to call you ignorant and a prude.


Pero tú te lo has buscado. ¡¿Quién te crees que eres para interferir con el medio de expresión de una Lady Gaga?! Por eso el día de hoy quiero agradecer a todas las Ladies Gaga presentes en mi vida. ¿Qué sería de mi triste y ruin existencia sin sus selfies frente al espejo? Ladies Gaga de mi vida, ¡por favor nunca se mueran!/ But you’ve brought that upon yourself. Who do you think you are to interfere with Lady Gaga’s self-expression?! This is why, today, I want to thank all the Ladies Gagas present in my life. What would be of my sad and gray existence without all your mirror selfies? Who’s gonna ask me if butter is a carb if it isn’t you? Lady Gagas of my life, please don’t die!


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